I was talking to a good female friend of mine last night. We've known eachother several years and have many deep conversations. Last night we were on the topic of how women choose to reject men and the excuses they use to do so.
For example, a guy gets up all his courage to ask out a girl. After small talk he finally gets the guts and asks, "So, would you like to go to dinner Thursday night?"
Now lets say that the girl in her mind know's full well that she is not actually all that interested in the guy. Maybe she is just not feeling attracted to him, maybe his personality type is not right for her, maybe she is MORE interested in another guy and wants to keep her options open, or whatever reason she has for not being interested. So, girl thinks of some excuse like, "Oh, thanks for the invite but I already have plans with my girlfriends that night, sorry."
Guy cordially ends the conversation and hangs up.
Now I asked my friend why girls make up excuses, whether true or not (by that I mean, maybe the girl really had already made plans with her girlfriends) instead of just stating the real reason.
She responded with, "Well we don't want to hurt their feelings." That opened up a can for me, and I expressed some pretty heartfelt opinions of which I will express now.
I have been rejected my fair share by the lady folk, and I have come to learn that MOST women, at least those I associated with, are not cold heartless man-eating beasts, who delight feasting upon the shattered remains of broken hearts, crushed hopes and dreams, while drinking the bitter tears of their failed suitors. But I have found that women can be indecisive, a little careless, maybe selfish, and lacking courage to not only speak the truth but to be forthright with their intentions and interest level.
So why would I say that a girl is not being truthful when she makes an honest excuse to a guy such as, "I am spending time with my girlfriends that night." I feel it is wrong not because it is not true, but because it is MISLEADING.
The guy after hearing that excuse has no real idea if the girl is really interested or not and he is left with all kinds of questions that will plague him and torture him. "Should I ask her out again?" "How long should I wait?" "Should I wait and see if she tries to contact me next? "Should I call her again?" "Is she really interested?" "Is she lying and has another date that night?" And so and so forth. If you girls think that because you have successfully avoided a date with a guy by making an excuse (whether true or not) that you have been "honest" with him I must disagree.
Now if you are truly a good natured woman, and legitamately do not want to hurt the guy, and you know by going out with him you will just lead him on more, good for you, you are close. I do not believe in pity dates, or giving a guy a chance if you just know for sure you are not going to be excited to go out with him. Being disinterested is NOT a sin, but you can take you good nature and desire not to hurt the guy to the next level; and that is by not only being honest about why you can't go out that night, but also why you are not interested in going out with him at all.
This is hard I know, and takes a lot of courage. But think of it like this....
We all know relationships are difficult, dating is a major pain in the rear and NO one likes to reject any more than anyone likes to get rejected. My heartfelt apologies too all you super beauties out there who must continually reject constant solicitians for romance by unwanted suitors, that is the lot for you ladies, just as it is the lot for some of us men to feel the continual lack luster enthusiasim expressed by an uninterested girl as she attempts to "not hurt us," by honestly misleading us.
But if you are truly interested in not hurting that poor guy that just doesn't quite meet your standards, think of it like this...
You have two options.
#1 You can turn the guy down temporally for the one date by being honest but misleading and giving him an excuse that is surficial, and not the real reason why you are not going out with him. This approach will guarantee to cause him more pain, and this pain will be dragged out through several weeks, months, or even years as the guy is not really sure where he stands with you. To me, this is cruel, and disrespectful behavior.
#2 You can buck up, and break that poor gents' heart right then and there with no mixed words, and be completely honesty and NOT misleading. A statement like, "I am so flattered that you would ask me out, but I am not interested in a romantic relationship with you, and feel it would be wrong of me to lead you on by going out with you." OUCH! Yes, it will hurt the guy, but in a FAR less cruel and lasting manner. He will get off the phone, maybe call his guy buddies and complain for awhile, and then move on! In a week or so he will have moved onto his next rejection...
If you take option #1 the guy may eventually get the clue and stop purusing you, but I guarantee he will not appreciate or respect the manner in which you rejected him. He will probably tell his guy buddies and female friends at how you were dishonest and misleading towards him. He will probably have a hard time being your friend afterwards as he will feel like you are not respectful. But more than anything you will have hurt him a lot more, and for a longer period of time. (Wasn't your intention in making an excuse NOT to hurt him?)
If you take option #2, Guy will still be hurt, probably, as I said no one likes to be rejected. If you were his princess, yes his hopes and dreams will still feel crushed. BUT, I guarantee he will have a greater deal of respect for you, and maybe will even be cool being friends with you and nice to you once his tender heart has mended a little, because you will have only hurt him a little and only once.
I remember a girl right after my mission that I had taken out once. When I called and asked her for a second date, she stumbled to find the words but finally said with courage and respect, "Paul, I have lead guys on in the past and I don't want to do that to you, I just want you to know that I am not interested in you romantically..." I was shocked. I was hurt. But I got it over it really quickly. And I always, always respected her for being SO respectful of my feelings. It is NOT wrong to be disinterested in a guy, and guys understand that, they may not admit it, but they understand it. But although you may be disinterested that does not mean you have the right to be disrespectful and misleading, because that is wrong.
That young lady and I did enjoy a friendship over the years, she married and has a baby and last I saw her was doing very well and is happy. She and I sat and chatted like good friends for about 30 minutes after a wedding reception where we ran into each other. However, for the girls who were misleading, lacked the courage to tell me not only the convenient truth, but the inconvenient truths as well, I do find myself having a hard time being friends with them or respecting them as friends on into the future.
So my lady friends, each of us are planning on getting married only once, that means a LOT of rejections and being rejected. Maybe we can all make the dating process a little less terrifying by just being honest with our interest level off the bat.
And now for a list of honest excuses I have received from girls who have turned me down either for dates or relationships....
-I have a girls night
-I am watching softball
-I am scrapbooking with my mother
-I have to study
-I have class the next morning
-I have so much to do, I don't know how I'm going to get it all done!?
-I am honestly booked up this entire month (that cracked me up)
-I am not dating right now (I almost said, I know, that's why I'm asking you out, hahaha)
-Maybe we can get a group of friends and do something, in a group! (not quite what I was going for)
-I have a hair appointment (yeah, I litereally got that one)
-Um, I'm busy can I take a raincheck ('m going to write a whole other blog on why I hate it when girl's ask for rainchecks, big pet peeve of mine, maybe I'll write on that one next.)
-I just got into a relationship with another guy
-I don't feel safe when you hug me
-I just don't know where you're coming from
-Maybe antoher night (we all know maybe pretty much always means no)
-I told my roommate I'd help her with homework
-I prayed about it and know I'm not going to marry you (can't argue with that)
-Something came up last second (I later found out her ex-fiancee told her he put ME up to asking her out, so she cancelled on me)
-I just feel like you're going to break my heart (preemptive strike, I guess)
Ahhh, after 8 years of dating since my mission, I have seen it all....Well, except of course it just working out! hahaha
Be cool ladies, help us guys out by being straight up with us, we'll respect you for it.