Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Help us Out ladies!

I was talking to a good female friend of mine last night. We've known eachother several years and have many deep conversations. Last night we were on the topic of how women choose to reject men and the excuses they use to do so.

For example, a guy gets up all his courage to ask out a girl. After small talk he finally gets the guts and asks, "So, would you like to go to dinner Thursday night?"

Now lets say that the girl in her mind know's full well that she is not actually all that interested in the guy. Maybe she is just not feeling attracted to him, maybe his personality type is not right for her, maybe she is MORE interested in another guy and wants to keep her options open, or whatever reason she has for not being interested. So, girl thinks of some excuse like, "Oh, thanks for the invite but I already have plans with my girlfriends that night, sorry."

Guy cordially ends the conversation and hangs up.

Now I asked my friend why girls make up excuses, whether true or not (by that I mean, maybe the girl really had already made plans with her girlfriends) instead of just stating the real reason.

She responded with, "Well we don't want to hurt their feelings." That opened up a can for me, and I expressed some pretty heartfelt opinions of which I will express now.

I have been rejected my fair share by the lady folk, and I have come to learn that MOST women, at least those I associated with, are not cold heartless man-eating beasts, who delight feasting upon the shattered remains of broken hearts, crushed hopes and dreams, while drinking the bitter tears of their failed suitors. But I have found that women can be indecisive, a little careless, maybe selfish, and lacking courage to not only speak the truth but to be forthright with their intentions and interest level.

So why would I say that a girl is not being truthful when she makes an honest excuse to a guy such as, "I am spending time with my girlfriends that night." I feel it is wrong not because it is not true, but because it is MISLEADING.

The guy after hearing that excuse has no real idea if the girl is really interested or not and he is left with all kinds of questions that will plague him and torture him. "Should I ask her out again?" "How long should I wait?" "Should I wait and see if she tries to contact me next? "Should I call her again?" "Is she really interested?" "Is she lying and has another date that night?" And so and so forth. If you girls think that because you have successfully avoided a date with a guy by making an excuse (whether true or not) that you have been "honest" with him I must disagree.

Now if you are truly a good natured woman, and legitamately do not want to hurt the guy, and you know by going out with him you will just lead him on more, good for you, you are close. I do not believe in pity dates, or giving a guy a chance if you just know for sure you are not going to be excited to go out with him. Being disinterested is NOT a sin, but you can take you good nature and desire not to hurt the guy to the next level; and that is by not only being honest about why you can't go out that night, but also why you are not interested in going out with him at all.

This is hard I know, and takes a lot of courage. But think of it like this....

We all know relationships are difficult, dating is a major pain in the rear and NO one likes to reject any more than anyone likes to get rejected. My heartfelt apologies too all you super beauties out there who must continually reject constant solicitians for romance by unwanted suitors, that is the lot for you ladies, just as it is the lot for some of us men to feel the continual lack luster enthusiasim expressed by an uninterested girl as she attempts to "not hurt us," by honestly misleading us.
But if you are truly interested in not hurting that poor guy that just doesn't quite meet your standards, think of it like this...

You have two options.

#1 You can turn the guy down temporally for the one date by being honest but misleading and giving him an excuse that is surficial, and not the real reason why you are not going out with him. This approach will guarantee to cause him more pain, and this pain will be dragged out through several weeks, months, or even years as the guy is not really sure where he stands with you. To me, this is cruel, and disrespectful behavior.

#2 You can buck up, and break that poor gents' heart right then and there with no mixed words, and be completely honesty and NOT misleading. A statement like, "I am so flattered that you would ask me out, but I am not interested in a romantic relationship with you, and feel it would be wrong of me to lead you on by going out with you." OUCH! Yes, it will hurt the guy, but in a FAR less cruel and lasting manner. He will get off the phone, maybe call his guy buddies and complain for awhile, and then move on! In a week or so he will have moved onto his next rejection...

If you take option #1 the guy may eventually get the clue and stop purusing you, but I guarantee he will not appreciate or respect the manner in which you rejected him. He will probably tell his guy buddies and female friends at how you were dishonest and misleading towards him. He will probably have a hard time being your friend afterwards as he will feel like you are not respectful. But more than anything you will have hurt him a lot more, and for a longer period of time. (Wasn't your intention in making an excuse NOT to hurt him?)

If you take option #2, Guy will still be hurt, probably, as I said no one likes to be rejected. If you were his princess, yes his hopes and dreams will still feel crushed. BUT, I guarantee he will have a greater deal of respect for you, and maybe will even be cool being friends with you and nice to you once his tender heart has mended a little, because you will have only hurt him a little and only once.

I remember a girl right after my mission that I had taken out once. When I called and asked her for a second date, she stumbled to find the words but finally said with courage and respect, "Paul, I have lead guys on in the past and I don't want to do that to you, I just want you to know that I am not interested in you romantically..." I was shocked. I was hurt. But I got it over it really quickly. And I always, always respected her for being SO respectful of my feelings. It is NOT wrong to be disinterested in a guy, and guys understand that, they may not admit it, but they understand it. But although you may be disinterested that does not mean you have the right to be disrespectful and misleading, because that is wrong.

That young lady and I did enjoy a friendship over the years, she married and has a baby and last I saw her was doing very well and is happy. She and I sat and chatted like good friends for about 30 minutes after a wedding reception where we ran into each other. However, for the girls who were misleading, lacked the courage to tell me not only the convenient truth, but the inconvenient truths as well, I do find myself having a hard time being friends with them or respecting them as friends on into the future.

So my lady friends, each of us are planning on getting married only once, that means a LOT of rejections and being rejected. Maybe we can all make the dating process a little less terrifying by just being honest with our interest level off the bat.

And now for a list of honest excuses I have received from girls who have turned me down either for dates or relationships....

-I have a girls night
-I am watching softball
-I am scrapbooking with my mother
-I have to study
-I have class the next morning
-I have so much to do, I don't know how I'm going to get it all done!?
-I am honestly booked up this entire month (that cracked me up)
-I am not dating right now (I almost said, I know, that's why I'm asking you out, hahaha)
-Maybe we can get a group of friends and do something, in a group! (not quite what I was going for)
-I have a hair appointment (yeah, I litereally got that one)
-Um, I'm busy can I take a raincheck ('m going to write a whole other blog on why I hate it when girl's ask for rainchecks, big pet peeve of mine, maybe I'll write on that one next.)
-I just got into a relationship with another guy
-I don't feel safe when you hug me
-I just don't know where you're coming from
-Maybe antoher night (we all know maybe pretty much always means no)
-I told my roommate I'd help her with homework
-I prayed about it and know I'm not going to marry you (can't argue with that)
-Something came up last second (I later found out her ex-fiancee told her he put ME up to asking her out, so she cancelled on me)
-I just feel like you're going to break my heart (preemptive strike, I guess)

Ahhh, after 8 years of dating since my mission, I have seen it all....Well, except of course it just working out! hahaha

Be cool ladies, help us guys out by being straight up with us, we'll respect you for it.


  1. Great advice. I would totally pick option #2. I hate the games girls play. Hilarious the excuse "I dont feel safe when you hug me". Really? LOL

  2. Women are subtle – Men are direct. If you are driving down the freeway, she is hungry and sees a restaurant ahead, she will turn to you and ask, “are you hungry?” We might say, “no I’m fine” and drive on by. She will be mad thinking you don’t care about her, and it may take us forever until we figure out what we did. Men will never know what women are thinking. I have had failed relationships / marriages where the women left for seemingly no reason at all. Enter the excuse, then the fade away with no valid explanation leaving you wondering for life what the REAL reason was. I agree that even a straight forward scathing rejection all at once would me so much better than letting your mind torture you with possible scenarios. Forever.

    Anonymous Steve Cox

  3. Great idea to get all of this down in writing, Pawmardin. Maybe the future Sister Green is reading your blog and making up her mind to be honest. All other single readers, we hope, are resolving to be more forthright.

  4. Lay it out, my friend. I have been rejected in both manners and I, obviously, hated them both. However, I think that I actually liked when the guy just didn't return my calls, and stopped calling me. It made it seems less of a 'dis' and just that the romance died out. But I also HATED when guys played games. There's no clear rule. As they say, all's fair in love and war. At least you're armed. :) Miss you, buddy.

  5. HA! Guys are direct...what a joke. You want to know what I'm thinking? You want honesty? I've had the exact same crap pulled on me by guys. So don't think you're all high and mighty just because you're a man dude. It's all a game to some people, women and men BOTH. Example: I really really liked this guy for many months. One night he flirted with me a ton and even held my hand during a movie. At the end of the night he told me 'oh I just wanted to make sure you know that that didn't mean anything and I was just having fun.' Talk about ripping my heart out! I think that's way worse than 'sorry I can't go out with you Saturday because I'm washing my hair.' Oh and by the way...I NEVER told a guy a anything to get out of a date; I was honest. So come on guys give us ladies a little more credit. Have you ever considered that maybe you're asking the wrong girls?

  6. Oh how much I agree with Anonymous here! Guys pull the exact same things on girls, and quite honestly I think they are harsher and get away with far more because we let them. They can lead a girl get what they want and move on within 2 weeks without committing to her. I'm not saying girls are innocent either. I for one just am not one to make up excuses. If I don't like you, number one you usually know (not in a bad way) and number two i'll speak my mind. Guys need to step up too. Not just girls.

  7. To annonymous and Corine, I never said in my blog that guys are perfect, and that guy don't pull some tremendously harsh behavior of their own. This blog was addressing women's behavior. Comment such as "Don't think you're all high and mighty because you're a man dude" are entirely unnecessary. I don't think I am high and mighty. I am a man and was addressing things from my perspective. Feel free to write a blog expressing your perspective, I guarantee I would agree with you and that I would comment on it with a far less accusatory tone. "Guys need to step it up too. Not just girls." When did I say that ONLY girls are guilty in dating inpropiety? But I do agree, I did omit mens general misconduct when it comes to dating, but that does not mean I did so because I feel they are guiltless, or high and mighty.

    Maybe you're dating the wrong guys.

    1. Just realized that there arent any like or love buttons

  8. I would also like to apologize for generalizing. I was speaking more from personal experience which is consistent with the proposed topic. I never think bad about any of these experiences - just confused.

    Anonymous Steve Cox

  9. I really appreciate this post Paul and I hope single girls are reading this. Honesty is so important yet so hard for many of us girls to grasp when it comes to dating! In retrospect I wonder why I was lame sometimes but I guess in a way things come with maturity. What? We're not mature at 23, or 27, or 30? Weird! ;)

  10. Alicia!!!! You always had a unique perspective on life. Actually, one of those excuses in my list of rejections is yours, did you catch which one? Its not an exact quote but the essence of what you told me once, hahahaha. I miss you too!!!

  11. Here are a few of my thoughts:

    A. Don't think men are the only ones who go through this. I've been through this many a time. It sucks, being lead on, lied to, rejected. It all sucks.. maybe that's why I avoid dating. Which is stupid.

    B. Paul, I consider you one of my dear friends so I feel bad that I've had plans or was with another guy in the past and turned down offers to hang out, but that being said I remember one conversation with you in which when I said I couldn't, you said "Oh, I get it you don't want to hang out with me.. you don't have to lie about it" that comment actually made me mad. I felt like well soorry if I have things to do and you think I'm lying, made me want to hang out with you less..

    C. Someone actually said they felt uncomfortable hugging you?? Uhhh weird.

    D. Also, maybe girls sometimes make up things so they don't hurt the guy, and they do it this way because this would crush a girl to hear these words. As much as we say give it to us straight and not lead us on it takes us longer than guys to recover so maybe some females feel that men are the same.. just a thought.

  12. Thanks Sara, concerning your thoughts

    A. I never said men are the only one's who go through this, nor do I think that. A few women, as you can read, have commented as though I was suggesting men are perfect angels in dating and women are the only one's who are misleading, not so. Don't mistake my omission of every single scenario and blog topic as ignornance to the fact that there are plenty of other perspectives and view points. This blog was my perspective on how women tend to dell out their rejections to men, and that is it. I am actually surprised that 3 women now have made a comment such as yours suggesting that my pointing out a guys perspective on how women treat men they are not interested in, meant I was some how assuming that men are always perfect. I never said that and I do NOT think that. As I said to the other girl who made that accusation, if you were to write a blog on all the dispicable things men do to women in the dating arena, I am sure I would agree with you.

    B. I have been insecure and lacking confidence most of my adult life (still am in many areas) which just about any woman would admit is terribly unattractive. I am not surprised that when I made such an insecure comment, it made me less desirable to hang out with. But as my blog addressed I think that when women make excuses they may be telling the truth, but they are not being forthright with their feelings and may be misleading. When a girl says she has a girls night, or has to study, I have no doubt that those could be absolutely true, but if a girl then makes NO attempt to throw a guy a life line, such as, "but I am free next week on Wednesday night," or something along those lines, it usually means that she is not interested in spending time with the guy at all, and it would be a lot easier on the guy if she stated that.

    C. Yes, I wasn't her "type" physically and so there wasn't that chemistry. Major burn.

    D. This very statement was the ENTIRE point of the blog did you read where I asked my friend why girls do this and she responded with, "We don't want to hurt their feelings." My entire point was that girls who are trying to "protect guys feelings," by not being straight up with them, actually hurts them more in the long run. If a guy asks you out, and you're not interested in him so you tell him why you are unavailable the particular, evening if it is totally true, but in reality you are just NOT interested in him, you are going to hurt his feeling a LOT more in the long run. That was the entire point of the blog. Getting rejected is crushing no matter, either guy to girl or girl to guy. I absolutely agree that women and men think differently, that is the great mystery and struggle of life, and the topic of millions of blogs and books. I was simply providing a perspective, and was not trying attempt to justify why a women might think that is the best approach, just pointing out that in reality, making an excuse as to why a girl is unavailable on the particular night a guy asks her out, when she knows full well that she is not interested and would make sure she has an excuse any night he attempted to ask her out, is not sparing the guy emotional pain or heartache. Her intentions or reasoning are irrelevant, the truth of the matter is, it still hurts just as bad or even a worse to have a girl not be honest and straight forward.

    E. I love you and I am glad we are friends too. :)

  13. I admit, I've been guilty of the "girls night" excuse, but it actually wasn't an excuse. I really had promised my girlfriends I'd hang out with them. That said, I also told the guy I WAS interested, and to PLEASE ask me again. And he did. :) Great post, Paul